I try. I try to make practices here and there, but it's such a struggle. It's not only external troubles...but internal ones, too.
The external factors include distance, time, and a shitty fucking neighborhood. The Warehouse is located in North Philly. While it's not actually too many miles away....it still takes an hour to get there, and close to an hour to get home. Tack on the travel time to a 8-10pm practice... and that's 4 hours. Twice a week. That may not sound like much to some people...but that's a lot of time.
Worse, once I'm there, I don't feel safe. The Warehouse is located in an abandoned warehouse district. It is off the main roads, and anything can happen there and no one would ever see it. Cars are broken into regularly. I suppose it is ridiculous to think something will happen to me, when no one has been hurt in the 2 years they've been there, the only thought that pops into my mind and crowds out everything else is, "what if Gretchen had to grow up without Mommy?" And that's it. I can't move past it. I've gone so soft.
Last, an added hassle is that since Justin isn't home until after 7:30pm most nights, I need to rely on a "house-sitter" which is his mom. Yes, it's super that she does it. But at the same time.... I'm such a sorry introvert that I don't want to interact with her twice a week. Further, I feel like she holds the "favor" over my head to collect on things she wants.... like Sunday dinners and holidays at HER house. *UHG*
And...as confounding as this seems... I feel GUILTY about not skating. I feel like I owe the league to be there. I feel like I owe my coach, Judy Sowinski (who died last month), to get my ass back in shape and back in that pace line. And when I am at practice... I WANT to skate. I WANT to get back on my team and skate games and attend all the social events.
It still represents a part of my life where I had no husband and no kid. Late nights & lots of hours were not an issue. It became my whole social life. It also got me into great shape.
So while I have all this inconvenience and fear, my heart still can't let it go. I wish I could, as I almost feel split in two over it.
I've looked around for a closer league (as much as I hated to do it), but there are not many nearby options. Currently, my internal compromise is that should the league move closer (or to a better place), I'll make the effort.
Shit, I'm only 33. I have years left to skate. If I can get my head together. :(
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